I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
