My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
