what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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