in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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