My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
