Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
