dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
