There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
is wine microwaveable?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
