my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
