The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
