i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
