a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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