He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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