I think I won the penis lottery.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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