just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
