someone owes me an orgasm
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
