i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
