Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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