why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
