We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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