My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
