if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
