Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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