We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
