I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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