My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
