Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
