Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
