On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
