I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
