My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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