I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
