textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
