I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
