Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
