yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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