I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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