im six kinds of drunk right now
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
