Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
