Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
