WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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