Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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