On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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