ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
