Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
