You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
