booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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