Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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