I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
