I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
