Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
