My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
