how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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