I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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