so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just gift wrapped bread.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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